Our society favors appearance and performance. We always have to be the best. The only problem, for us, is that we don’t admire ourselves. “I’m useless, I will not succeed…” I’m not able to do that, others will do it without me, and they are better at it…”; “I’m nothing. Other people are showered with some greetings but myself nobody even sees me…”; “Oh, this morning I look too awful and I’m getting bigger around the hips …!”

How many times have we heard these statements? How many times have we said these same things to ourselves?

STOP! If we have one single good resolution to make for the beginning of this New Year 2005, it will be to let go of our complexes. How many times have they made our lives miserable?

Let’s be honest. Many times this kind of thinking has darkened our mind. Our mirror is reflecting a displeasing image of ourselves. And it knocks us down a notch! It doesn’t matter how much people around us say we are beautiful. We will not listen to them…

Our complexes destroy our existence and harm our relationships. The more we don’t see any value in ourselves, the more we pity ourselves. It’s a vicious circle! This pessimism is the product of low self confidence and not an objective view of ourselves. When our friends see in us as a woman full of life, we are thinking at the same time how worthless we are. Our friends have to choose their words carefully to avoid hurting our feelings. In reality, the image we have of ourselves is distorted.

For example some women focus on one part of their body: “my nose is too big!” But they don’t see their beautiful eyes. Other people don’t have confidence in themselves: “I can’t talk in public!” But with their friends, they are able to make long discourses filled with argumentation. We see ourselves through biased eyes. That’s why people around us have a view of us than we do.

Our complexes are based in false ideas that we build into truth. These false ideas prevent us from being joyful and from loving ourselves.

Where do our complexes come from? Psychiatrists say that they are “a set of feelings and representations that are totally or partially subconscious, whose control over our emotions dictates the personality of each individual”. The complexes are form through the relationships we have with others in our childhood. For example a little girl continually negative words will feel demoralized: “you are useless, what can we do with you?” Also name calling like “the fat girl” is humiliating. The child is recording all these negative impressions that will eventually make her fragile. This child will tend to close herself off and many times as she will feel unloved, she may choose to rebel. When she becomes an adult, she will lack confidence in herself.

Our complexes are strengthened by our negative thoughts

We all have a different story. But our complexes develop in the same way. They are strengthened by negative thoughts that we hold on to for a very long time. In addition, our complexes come from deep inner wounds. Maybe you never talk about it to anybody, trying to forget it all. But have you really forgotten?

It would be good to share it with a friend you really trust. To simply hear that person say that you are exceptional and above all to believe what he is saying to you would be a great help.

In addition, what if we completely stop comparing ourselves to others. We are unique, each one of us, and we have all received different gifts. Let’s use our qualities instead of focusing on this imperfection that became an obsession.

Let’s us learn to appreciate ourselves. If not we will never truly love others, because we cannot give what we don’t have.

To love others, we must start with ourselves.

A Western well known philosophy says: “treat others as you yourself would not want to be treated”. This tenet is based on a negative statement and the fear of a bad thing. The Bible teaches something different: “Have love for your neighbor as for yourself.” Matthew 19:19. In this teaching we see the love of goodness. Because we want to be happy ourselves, we want happiness for somebody else. Because we love ourselves, we can love others. But if we don’t love ourselves because of our complexes then we cannot love others. It’s not possible if we are not at one with ourselves. Do you see how our complexes can block our actions, but also our love for others?

You can let go of your complexes!

The first important thing to do is to change your way of thinking. Instead of criticizing yourself, consider your qualities. No, it’s not egotism. It’s a new way to see yourself in a positive manner and to learn to love yourself.

Another Western proverb says: “charity begins at home”. If you depend on what others see you will continue having trouble because there will always be people who will still have words to hurt you. The important thing is that you need to have a good image of yourself.

Magdaléna Morisset

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