Because such conflict is common, one of the most practical ways we can help those disciple is to reach them how to handle it appropriately, I have found the following principles to be effective in the process.

1. Identify the type of conflict

Sometimes people experience conflict because they have sinned or been sinned against. If this is the case for those we disciple, we can help them seek forgiveness by following the guidelines in Mt. 18:15-17: " If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you…. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, ….If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector."

But many times, people experience conflict because others “push their buttons.” We All know it works. A coworker runs late for meetings, and we like to start on time. A spouse or roommate repeatedly forgets to wipe off kitchen counter, leaving a trail of crumbs for us to clean up. A friend communicates in a direct, tell-it-like-it-is style that seems insensitive compared to our more soft-spoken approach. These behaviors are not necessarily sin, but they sure can get to us! And they may lead to sin if we don’t respond to them appropriately.

I stress two principles when helping someone I am discipling handles this kind of conflict. First, Scripture instructs us to “bear with each other” (Col 3:13) and to overlook minor offenses (Prov. 12:16, 17:9, 19:11). But how do we know when to overlook an offense? I have found it useful to wait 24 to 48 hours. If, after a day or two of praying about the situation, I am still bothered by something someone said or did, then I need to talk with that person.

I also try to help someone I am discipline to appreciate others differences.God created people with a wide variety of temperaments, gifts, talents, and preferences. As a growing Christian understands how her unique makeup differs from and complements the way God has designed others, she will be more likely to bear with individuals whose behavior irritates her.

2. Mind Your expectations

Many conflicts arise because others fail to meet our expectations. Often, however, we do not recognize an expectation is unmet until we experience disappointment, hurt, or anger. When those I disciple encounter these emotions, I ask questions to help them identify whether they are cause by unmet expectations: “Why do you think you are disappointed? What do you wish were different about the situation or person?” Are your expectations realistic?” Eventually, those I disciple will learn to ask these questions on their own so they can identify and adjust any unfair expectations before disappointment and conflict set in.

3. Clarify your goal

We need help those mentor see the difference resolution and reconciliation. Resolution focuses on reaching agreement on an issue. Reconciliation,however, focuses on bringing peace and forgiveness to the relationship. A discipler can broaden a disciple’s perspective by helping her see times when two people will simply see things differently. When we are dealing with a minor conflict or misunderstanding, we must encourage those we disciple to focus first on reconciling the relationship, acknowledging the offenses in order to bring forgiveness. Then, if appropriate, the people involved can discuss the issue. In order to preserve the relationship, however, they may need to “agree to disagree.”

4. Recognize past wounding

Unresolved conflict in past relationships may affect a person’s current interactions. As we help others work through difficult relationships, we need to ask the Lord to show us and the person we are discipline the root of the problem. Several years ago as a counselor at a Shelter, I counseled a young woman about a conflict with a coworker. As we talked, she acknowledges that many of the issues bothering her actually reminded her of broken relationships in her family. Recognizing this made it easier for her to reconcile the relationship with her coworker. It also prompted her to dialog with members of her family about the ways they had hurt her and how she may have hurt them.

5. Depend on God

There is no question that it takes our efforts to reconcile relationships. But ultimately, only God can enable us to live at peace with others. In addition to walking those we disciple through these practical principal principles for handling conflict, we must also teach them to rely on God to heal their strained relationships. As they do, they will discover that conflict, although unpleasant, it is also an opportunity to grow.

Harold Vital-Herne.